Using this model can create a huge breakthrough in ‘management communication’ enabling workers to engage in more productive and motivational activities to resolve difficult situations. Excerpts are taken from “Crucial Conversations Tools for Talking When Stakes are High” Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, Al Switzler (McGraw Hill 2002)
“The void created by the failure to communicate is soon filled with poison, drivel and misrepresentation.” C. Northcote Parkinson
Changing structures and systems alone do little to improve performance. Within companies, when employees fail to deliver on their promises, colleagues willingly step in to discuss the problem. In the best companies everyone holds everyone else accountable, regardless of level or position. This occurs not through static systems, it happens through face-to-face conversations at all levels.
They happen to everyone. They are the day-to-day conversations that affect your life.
What makes them different from a plain old conversation?
1. OPINIONS VARY
(I think I am ready for a promotion, my boss does not)
2. STAKES ARE HIGH
(You are 1 of 4 people charged with choosing a new marketing strategy and if you don’t do something different the company won’t make its annual goals.)
3. EMOTIONS RUN STRONG
These conversations are crucial because the results could have a huge impact on the quality of your life. In each case, some element of your daily routine could be forever altered for better or worse.
Crucial conversations are about tough issues.
How do we typically handle crucial conversations?
Finding ourselves in the middle of a crucial conversation – or recognizing that we could step up to one does not mean we are in trouble or that we won’t do well in them. We can do one of three things:
We can avoid them.
We can face them and handle them poorly.
We can face them and handle them well.
But do we handle them well? Do we boldly step up to hot topics, monitor our behaviour, and offer up our best work? Sometimes we do. Sometimes, we are just spot-on good. Then we have the rest of our lives. We yell; we withdraw; we say things we later regret. When conversations matter the most – that is when they move from casual to crucial – we generally are at our worst behaviour.
Fight or Flight.
We are stumped. We don’t know where to start. We are making this up as we go and frankly we have few models. Practice does not necessarily make perfect; perfect practice makes perfect.
We first need to learn what to practice.
Some common crucial conversations:
Talking to a co-worker who behaves offensively or makes suggestive comments
Giving a boss feedback about his/her behaviour
Approaching a boss who is breaking his own safety or quality policies
Critiquing a colleague’s work
Talking to a team member who isn’t keeping commitments
Talking to a colleague who is hording information or resources
Giving an unfavourable performance review
Talking to a co-worker about a personal hygiene problem
Master your crucial conversations and you’ll kick-start your career, strengthen your relationships, and improve your health. As you master high-stakes discussions, you’ll also revitalize your organisation and your community.
The Power of Dialog
When it comes to risky, controversial, and emotional conversations, skilled people find a way to get all relevant information –from themselves and others – out into the open.
People openly and honestly express their opinions, share their feelings and articulate their theories. They willingly and capably share their views, even when their ideas are controversial or unpopular. Dialog: The free flow of meaning between two or more people.
Free Flow of Meaning
Each of us enters conversations with our own opinions, feelings, theories and experiences about the topic at hand. This unique combination makes us our personal pool of meaning. This pool not only informs us but propels our every action.
When two or more of us enter crucial conversations, by definition we do not share the same pool. People who are skilled at dialog do their best to make it safe for everyone to add their meaning to the shared pool – even ideas that at first glance appear controversial, wrong, or at odds with our own beliefs. They don’t obviously, agree with every idea; they just do their best to ensure that all ideas find their way into the open.
As the shared pool grows it helps in at least two ways: individuals are exposed to more accurate and relevant information and they make better choices.
Danger is when people purposefully withhold information from one another; individually smart people can collectively make stupid decisions.
When people sit back quietly during touchy conversations, they’re rarely committed to the final decision. The time you spend establishing a shared pool of meaning is more than paid for by faster, more committed action later on.
When we find ourselves arguing, debating, running away or otherwise acting in ineffectual ways it is because we don’t know how to hare meaning.
Not knowing how to stay in dialog can look like this: (The goal in this case is always the same: to compel others to our point of view.)
Sometimes we move to silence. We play Salute and Stay Mute.
Sometimes we rely on hints, sarcasm, innuendo, and looks of disgust to make our point.
We play the martyr and then pretend we are actually trying to help.
Afraid to confront an individual, we blame an entire team for a problem – hoping the message will hit the right target.
We rely on violence - anything from subtle manipulation to verbal attacks.
We act like we know everything.
We discredit others
We use every manner of force to get our way-borrow power from the boss; we hit people with biased monologues.
When stakes are high, opinions vary and emotions run strong, we are often at our worst, and to move to doing our best, we have to find a way to explain what is in each of our personal pools of meaning – especially our high-stakes, sensitive and controversial opinions, feelings and ideas – and to get others to share their pools.
START WITH HEART – STAY FOCUSED ON WHAT YOU REALLY WANT
Here are some ways to maintain ‘heart’ and stay focused:
• Work on Me first: the only person you can directly control is yourself
• Focus on what you really want – when you move toward silence or violence, stop and pay attention to your motives
• Ask yourself: “What does my behaviour tell me about what my motives are?”
• Then clarify/ask yourself: “What do I want for myself? For others? For the relationship?”
• Finally: “How would I behave if this were what I really wanted?”
• Use the word AND. “Can I tell my peer my real concerns AND not insult or offend him?”
About VitalSmarts
An innovator in corporate training and organizational performance, VitalSmarts is home to award-winning training products that deliver powerful tools for enriching relationships and improving end results. The company also has three New York Times bestselling books, Crucial Conversations, Crucial Confrontations, and Influencer. VitalSmarts has been listed twice on the Inc. 500 list of fastest-growing companies and has taught more than 2 million people worldwide. www.vitalsmarts.com